Saturday, 25 October 2014

We’re Home


We’ve actually been back since the early hours of Thursday morning but it’s taken me until now to get over the ridiculous flight times… and the shock of spending so much money in a single week.
Cyprus is a beautiful country, plenty to see, and we had a wonderful hotel, but as usual when Flatcap is in town, things didn’t always go the way they should. For a start off the hotel tried to bill me for two beers we hadn’t had from the minibar.
“No offence lad,” I told the reception clerk, “but I wouldn’t wash your feet in this muck, never mind mine, and the missus never drinks anything but expensive cocktails.”
They scrubbed the eight euros (eight bleeding euros for two small bottles of fizzy lager. I can get four cans for a pound at Asda) on the assumption that the people who were in the room before us nicked them as they were leaving.
We went shopping to one of the local malls. It’s not a lot different to going to the Trafford Centre, and I never go to the Trafford Centre. Aside from costing me fifty nicker for a bottle of scent, Her Indoors kept looking in jewellers’ windows.
“How come they never put the prices on in the window?” she asked.
“They need you to go inside,” I replied.
“So they can try to high-pressure you into buying?”
“No. It’s because they keep the defibrillator under the counter.”
We were in the Adonis Wing. Logical enough. Where else would you put a man like me? Anyway, as you entered this wing of the hotel. They had a statue of Adonis and I commented on how tiny his todger was. 

Her Indoors said, “He’s still bigger than you.” I was so incensed, I rushed back to our room, threw off all my duds and took a picture through the bathroom mirrors. I dumped that picture but I’m concerned that Her Ladyship may have taken a copy, so if it turns up somewhere online, I’ll have to protest to the Sunday papers.
We had just one manky day weather wise. It rained for about 5-10 minutes. That’s not bad. In Manchester it rains for 5-10 days.
The final shock of the holiday came as we were checking out. I’d been signing for odd drinks during the week and I needed to settle the bill. A hundred and fifteen euros. Taxing the car didn’t cost that much.
Note to self: next time, pay for your booze as you go.

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