Saturday, 14 February 2015

Happy Valentine



Flatcap reflects on love and marriage and offers advice on how to enjoy a successful (and economical) Valentine’s Day.


It’s Valentine’s day, the one day of the year when she expects me to show my love for her.
For God’s sake, I get the Oxo’s down off the top shelf, don’t I? And who is it who knocks out all the dents in the car when she’s done reversing into the drive? Well, she calls it reversing. I call it ram-raiding the front gates.
But no, I have to prove I love her.
This starts with a card.
Now I wouldn’t want you to think I hold grudge against the greetings card industry, but have you seen the price of these things? Scandalous. At those rates I’d expect an armed escort while they delivered it.
After the card come the flowers.
It’s a bit awkward with Valentine’s Day coming in February. The flowerbeds in the Memorial Park are a bit limp and lifeless, so you have to scour the cemetery instead. You need to be a bit careful. Last year, I forgot to change the label and I had some trouble explaining how her Valentine greeting read 'RIP Uncle Albert'.
Beyond the card and the flowers, we’re getting into seriously romantic territory with the meal.
The only advice I can give is get out early. MacDonald’s and Burger King were both chocabloc the year before last. We couldn’t get a seat. And you’ll need to take your own candles. I got a boxful for a pound just before Christmas. All right, so they were birthday cake candles, but hey, the flames are the same no matter what the occasion.
As the evening wears on, we come to the most daunting aspect of Valentine’s Day. The physical bit.
Between me, you and the gatepost, she’s getting a bit weighty for me to whisk her off her feet and carry her up to the bedroom. So I have to limp quite convincingly when she starts dropping hints that she’s feeling frisky. That way she’ll get upstairs under her own steam.
And I think she’s been reading fifty shades on the quiet. How else do you explain the way she’s been studying the small print on our life insurance policies?
But it’s Valentine’s Day and you’re married so you have to do it.
And once in the bedroom? Well, you’ve been married long enough not to need any advice from me, but if you insist, there’s one tip I give to all married men, when Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday.
Don’t forget to record Match of the Day.
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Would you prefer to listen to Flatcap delivering most of this post in his own, inimitable style? Click below.


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