Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Listen With Telly

It's the biggest story of the week and here's the lad with his thoughts.

The big news this week is smart TVs which are listening to your conversations and passing them on to persons or organisations unknown. Well, I say unknown, but we all know who they are. MI5, CIA, KGB, Google Facebook and Microsoft.
But you have to wonder what kind of private conversations these eavesdroppers are receiving. I meanersay, what do you talk about while the telly’s on?
“Right, I’ve brought the plans for blowing up the Houses of Parliament… oh, hang fire. Corrie’s on.”
And suppose you’re watching Midsomer Murders, and you shout, “Oh my god, he just murdered her.”
The next thing you know, armed SWAT teams are knocking on the door, and some negotiator with a loudhailer is urging you to surrender before anyone else gets hurt.
If they start listening in on conversations in our house, they’ll be really chuffed off.
They usually begin around teatime when I ask, “What’s for tea?”
“The cooker’s not got my name on it, you know.”
“So in other words you’ve bought smoked bacon again and you’re hoping I’ll make tea so you can blame my cooking. I’ve told you until I’m blue in the face, I don’t like smoked bacon.”
Sometime later, nosygits dot com may hear Her Indoors declare, “There’s a smell in here. Have you farted?”
“No. It’s the dog.”
“That means it’s you.”
“Well I told you not to buy smoked bacon.”
Matters quickly go downhill once the evening meal is over, and this time it’s usually me who starts it.
“What is this crap?”
“If you don’t want to watch it, turn it over.”
“Where’s the remote?”
“You had it last.”
“Oh, for crying out loud, the dog’s chewing it again.”
“If you bought him some toys, he might not.”
“I give him my old slippers, don’t I?”
And as the night draws on, Her Indoors only has to hear me say, “Nice tits.” Before she asks, “Are you watching Benidorm again? You know all that flesh overheats your pacemaker.”
Taking the broad view, I can’t see what the fuss is about. The only people I can see who would benefit from eavesdropping are the politicians. But would they get the message when they heard, “Aw, not another pain in the arse,” for the umpteenth time before the channel was changed?
Would you prefer to listen to Flatcap delivering most of this post in his own, inimitable style? Click below.

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