Saturday, 28 March 2015

Clock Change and Crooked Cat's Congress

Here comes summer and Flatcap has his eyes on the annual get together of Crooked Cat’s authors.

We put the clocks on tomorrow. I’m gonna put mine on the sideboard. Well, I think it must get fed up of sitting on the DVD cabinet.
It’s the official start of British Summer Time. And I’m marking it in an extra special way this year. I’m off on a speed awareness course on Monday after I got nicked back in February.
There are other events in the offing during BST. For a start off, it’s Easter next weekend, and we have the choice of shooting over to Blackpool and freezing our tripes off on the prom, or taking a tram down to Manchester and freezing our tripes off in Piccadilly Gardens.
Then, in July, there’s the annual Crooked Cat get-together, held this year in York.
I didn’t bother last year or in 2013, for the simple reason that London and Edinburgh were a bit too far to travel, but York is only about 65 miles and Her Indoors has put her foot down. She’s told me to bugger off and get from under her feet for the day.
You might think this is fair enough. It’s symptomatic of a marriage which has lasted three times longer than Top Gear despite being less politically correct and more argumentative.
It’s not going to York that bothers me. It’s a fine place even if the price of a pint of mild and a scotch egg is outrageous.
It’s not teaming up with the other Crooked Cat authors that worries me. I know most of them from the internet, and I’m absolutely certain they are warm, welcoming and wonderful people.
It’s the thought that Her Indoors could inflict me on these people. And not just for a couple of hours, but a whole day.
For a start off, if anyone thinks I’ll be putting on a collar and tie, they can forget it. I’ve only one shirt and only one tie. They do me for weddings, funerals and speed cameras alike.
The deafness could be problematic. Sure I’ll put me hearing aids in, but that’s no guarantee that I’ll actually hear anything. And even if I do, it’s no guarantee that I’ll listen.
Finally, I have an awful habit of turning everything into a plot for another novel. How many of these poor sods will be bumped off in a future STAC Mystery?
Nope. I’m sorry, but ordering me off to York for the day is like telling Jeremy Clarkson that you forgot to pack the chip pan.

Would you prefer to listen to Flatcap delivering most of this post in his own, inimitable style? Click below.

1 comment:

Cameron Lawton said...

You'll do fine, Flatcap. Sis is also deaf and wearing something akin to Riga, her main character's outfit. You are welcome to bump her off any time although I think your readers would find her overdrawn (even if you tell the truth)