Monday, 6 April 2015

Hadrian’s Universe of Zog

Faced with the prospect of a boring Easter Monday, the lad turns his cynical eye on the world of high energy physics at the Large Hadron Collider… and as usual what he knows about it can be written on a postcard and still leave room for a full-length novel.

I’ve had a bit of trouble keeping up with the comings and goings at the Hadrian Cern’s large collider.
Apparently they were ready to reboot it last week, but summat went wrong.
And according to my reading, admittedly coloured by a couple of bottles of Granny Whizz’s Nut Brown Ale, Hadrian was going to create a new universe with it.
That doesn’t sound like a good idea. One of Hadrian’s ancestors built a wall from Newcastle to Carlisle, but it didn’t stop the Scots turning up in Blackpool every summer. Offa built a dyke from Chester to Chepstow, but it hasn’t stopped the English invading Wales and buying all the property as second homes. The government instituted stringent checks on outbound passengers at ports and airports, but most Brits still shoot off abroad for a couple of weeks a year.
And talking of abroad, god knows what the missus will make of this business with Hadrian. She has enough trouble deciding what to pack for Benidorm, never mind another universe.
Not that it stops her giving out advice.
“Make sure you pack your Preparation H, Flatcap. You know what the lavatories are like in strange hotels.”
Hadrian’s collider was supposed to start up last week, but they couldn’t because there was some kind of electrical problem.
Oh yes? I’ve heard that one before.
“It’s yer alternator, guv. Knackered. Gonna cost you a ton for a recon, and then there’s the fitting. Better plan on one and a half.”
It seems, however, I’m wrong. Hadrian’s collider really did have an electrical fault.
And it took a week and a bit to sort it out? They shoulda sent for my mate, Dave. We had a dead short on the hall light and he sorted it in less than two hours.
The boffin in charge of Hadrian reckons they’re now up to somewhere near full speed but the collisions won’t start for another month.
I’ve heard that one before, as well. Where I come from deliberately arranging collisions so you can claim on the insurance is called crash for cash.
It’ll be interesting to see how this new universe pans out.
You can bet that in a matter of weeks the budget airlines will be tripping over one another to offer flights to Zog for less than a hundred quid, all your big supermarkets will be seeking planning permission for an out of dimension shopping centre, and coming so close to a general election, what price the Tories will insist it’s another raring opportunity for foreign buyers to invest in this country, Labour will want to know how many Zoggian employees are on zero hours contracts, and UKIP will be complaining the place is full of illegal immigrants
Would you prefer to listen to Flatcap delivering most of this post in his own, inimitable style? Click below.

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