Friday, 22 May 2015

We Are Home

Well, we’re back and I can’t say it’s too soon.
Cleethorpes is slightly over 100 miles from where we live. About two hours driving time. We left at a quarter to ten on Monday morning and got there at three. It took us over two hours to get the first thirty miles from home to Leeds.
The place was bog-standard holiday camp, and if you’ve read Flatcap’s Guide to UKHolidays, you’ll know how much I love holiday camps. They’re on a par with pulling your own teeth, sans anaesthetic. But it was cheap, and just like our new government, I know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Someone must have told them we were coming. They put us in one of the vans as far from the entertainment (I use the word in its loosest possible sense) complex as possible. I swear we were almost in Hull. They moved us when I asked. They even gave us a better caravan. Whereupon, I promptly complained that the batteries in the TV remote were held there by a strip of Velcro, the radiator in the hall leaked and the gas bottle ran out while I was outside having a smoke. It’s a good job I put the cigarette out before I came back in, or I’d blown the lot of us to glory.
The entertainment was designed for people no older than 30. All the singer did was scream into the microphone to the sound of a heavy backbeat. “Take your hearing aids out if it’s too noisy,” the missus suggested.
I didn’t have them in.
One girl who couldn’t sing if her life depended on it, had a cracking figure, but they put the acts out on widescreen TVs dotted around the place. Trouble was the camera was set at 4:3, so when you looked at her on the screens, she looked like the Venus of Willendorf: short and fat with stumpy legs and big jugs.
She sang, “I will Survive”. If she could have heard the invective over the noise she was making, she would never have survived.
Highlight of the week was a look in an Estate Agent’s window where I saw a flat for sale in Mablethorpe. £415,000. I think it must have been a misprint. £415 is as much as I’d be prepared to pay for a flat in Mablethorpe.

More will follow, when I’m over the shock.

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