Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Smartphone Dumb Phone

Careful readers will note that I picked up one of these smartphones a couple weeks back. Why do they call them smart? It’s not smart at all. It’s totally dumb.

I send a lot of text messages. It’s cheaper than phoning and the deal gives me 5,000 text per month, free. My favourite word. But this thing is fitted with the predictive text oojah, and it keeps getting things wrong. When I want to tell someone to piss off, I mean piss off, not puss off. It’s not like we even own a cat, and if the phone is so smart it should know that. There are no pictures of cats in my albums.
My mate, Jim, was really puzzled when I replied to one of his texts and I said, “You are a daft bustard.”
But it got much worse. I overheard this bloke in a pub saying as how he fancied “shagging Jim’s wife.” For readers not familiar with British vernacular, “shag” is a euphemism for fornication.
I thought I’d better let my best mate know about this, so I sent him a text telling him what I’d heard.
Imagine my surprise when I got a text back saying, “It’s all right, Flatcap, everyone does it.”
What was he saying? Half the world is having his wife while he’s working? It’s not like she’s an oil painting, either. She wouldn’t be too bad if she kept her wig on and both her eyes looked in the same direction. But, hey, I ‘m not exactly the thinking woman’s hunk, so who am I to criticise? And according to Jim, she makes a belting Yorkshire pudding.
Still puzzled by Jim’s reply, I checked my original, and instead of reading, “He fancies shagging your missus,” it read, “He fancies slagging your missus,” and again for the benefit of overseas readers, “slagging someone off” means you’re, er, well slagging them off, I suppose. Calling them names, running them down.
At this point, Jim’s text made more sense, so I sent him another message replacing “shagging” with “fucking”… or “ducking” as the phone thought, and he replied, “I wish someone would duck her. Preferably under five cubic yard of concrete.”
I gave up.

Obviously, I’m persevering with the phone but it may be a week or two before I have it properly trained… or property drained as the phone would have it.

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